All I Want Is Music

The best thing about having a blog that no one follows is that I don't have to censor myself. I do anyway, but I'm going to do my best to be completely fucking honest with whoever stumbles across this, and myself.

Fuck it, really.

I keep writing terrible poetry because I really want to write music. I can't play an instrument, I can't read notes, and I have no sense of rhythm. But really, I just want to sing, and dance, and live as freely as I can. I want to leave all of my insecurites in my music and go forward instead of backwards.

I just got an ipod today, and I've been doing nothing but listening to Florence and the Machine since I did, and it's fucking great. I don't know what it is about this, but I feel better than I have in ages. I could just sink into the music and drown myself.

Words

I did a good deed, and someone gave me diamonds

They fell from my lips

Cold and sharp

Precious

I did a bad thing, and someone gave me serpents

They came from my mouth

Hissing and spitting

Deadly

I said a stupid thing, and someone gave me insects

They fly from my throat

Buzzing and biting

Ugly and insidious

Infecting

I made a smart choice, and I gave myself silence

Where once I sang

I make no sound

Only Silence

All I ever wanted were words

To sing with you

But now,

Only silence

I'm feeling low, low, low. But I see the sun again. 

I'm Breaking Down

I took a year off from school so I could get my head together. I figured that by now, I'd have it figured out, so that I could apply to school or keep working or whatever was right.

I honestly feel more lost than I ever did before.

I don't know what's wrong with me, if it's medical or mental, tangible or imagined. I'm drowning in a teacup, and I can't figure out how I even got this small. I've lost myself.

All I want to do is write. But I don't even know if I'm good at that.

The Me I'd Like To Be

It's funny, when I talk to people online, where they don't see my face or know who I am, they almost inevitable imagine me as something other than what I am. On the internet, I could be anyone, and people would rather me be a beautiful, mysterious woman than the socially awkward, somewhat over-weight girl that I am. I'd rather me be the mysterious woman too, don't worry.

The Me That I'd Like To Be is beautiful, and confident. She's able to take care of herself, and independent. TMILTB is funny, and knows when to shut up.

She's what I'd like to become by the time this year is over. I can feel life hanging over me like a dark cloud, and if I'm going to survive the zombie apocalypse, I'd better get going with the cardio.

Hopefully blogging will keep me on track. I need something to do that, and I know I haven't been accountable for myself for a long time.

My list of goals are as follows:

- Lose wieght/ get fit
- Get a tattoo
- Learn to play an instrument
- Travel
- Finish my book and query it
- Learn to appreciate life

Good luck with your own goals.

Happy New Year, y'all.

Cheers,
Lydia